More on friendship: quality and quantity

Narcissism and insecurity are two very different things that happen to create the same behavior. People in these two situations, want to be liked (or in the narcissists case feels everyone worships them), and put others down to feel more important and special. People who are popular, are not comfortable with themselves so they have to change in order to fit in and feel well-liked. The problem is that not many people actually like popular kids. Remember that group of girls or boys in the junior high that thought they ruled the school? Of course you do because you were probably teased by them. We all were. These kids tease others and each other because they feel insecure and need to build their own self-esteem (true to narcissistic behavior as well).

Popular kids think they have a lot of friends, but how can you have friends when you’re not even expressing your true nature? And, these so-called friends are quick to turn on you when you experience any sort of weakness. They point out your flaws and use them against you. If they witness the slightest signal of vulnerability, they go in for the kill (there’s that self-esteem issue again). How can you think that people you can’t even trust are your friends?

Popular people do not know what the meaning of true friendship is. If they did, they would not be so concerned with being popular. In a study done with school age girls, popularity outranked friendship when the girls were asked to choose between the two, and these girls were willing to make any sacrifice in order to become popular. What’s the biggest sacrifice? The biggest sacrifice is the sacrifice of the self. Having quality friendships encourages growth of the self. Being popular encourages you to tuck your true self away.

My final point is people who are popular may not have experienced any tough life issues. When you have a situation that calls for social support, you will find out who your true friends are. A study with fifth grade children found that if you seek help from a friend (which popular people may not do because of expressing vulnerability), and that person reacts negatively or in a way that is not helpful, the friendship is damaged. So, if you have a lot of friends, and I use the term loosely, you may not have any lost or damaged friendships. This could mean that you’ve never experienced a situation where you had to go to someone for help. It could also mean, that when you did ask for help, your friends were helpful, but this is unlikely because you can’t form quality from quantity.